Buoyant in a sea of grief

Overwhelming empathy is disorienting. On one occasion, when anguish over the suffering of others flooded in, I thought, “Who died and why is me that has to solve it?”

My emotional response to suffering in the lives of other people can disconnect me from biblical bearings. I can end up adrift in a sea of sorrow and be overwhelmed. Empathy is a good gift that can go terribly wrong: people with sensitive consciences, vivid imaginations, and caring hearts are often plunged from compassion to poisonous despair by the suffering of others. How does this happen and what can we do about it?

First, a word of clarification: this article is meant to give hope and balance to those who want to respond to suffering in a Christ-like way by highlighting the risks of unguarded empathy. In calling attention to this danger, I don’t want to minimize the calling believers have to demonstrate incredible compassion, patience, love, and wisdom to those who are struggling. We can be heartbroken by the suffering of others while praying with hope and clinging to the truth that God’s grace is sufficient for every trial.

Now, let’s cover some definitions and descriptions. According to the Cambridge Dictionary, empathy is “the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situation.”[1] It’s as if you are experiencing the pain of another person yourself.[2] This idea of sharing the pain of another is certainly a biblical concept, although the Bible uses words like “compassion” and “sympathy.” Sympathy is the feeling of pity and grief for the plight of another, while compassion is being moved to action and kindness in order to relieve suffering. Jesus powerfully embodied heartfelt action in the face of pain. Jesus’ willingness to feel our weaknesses (Heb. 4:15) and His sorrow for our condition (Heb. 2:18) moved Him to act in kindness to relieve our greatest problem (Eph. 2:4).

The New Testament clearly charges followers of Christ to be tenderhearted. We are to “weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15) and to “put on…compassionate hearts and kindness” (Col. 3:12). We have the example and power of Jesus, who is full of compassion and mercy (Matt. 9:36; 15:32). The conclusion we might draw is that the temptation for most believers is to care too little, not too much when others suffer. But for some people, caring deeply takes them to a place of paralyzing despair.

What Does This Despair Feel Like?
When our empathy becomes suffocating, the pain is all we feel. We only see horror and brokenness in the world. As a Professor at Bethlehem Bible College says, destructive empathy is “a total immersion into the pain, sorrow, and suffering of the afflicted.” [3] There is a subtle twist in our thinking: “The more I’m overwhelmed by your pain, the more I really care,” or, “Unless I am undone by your suffering, I am not being compassionate.” Or even more insidious, “I refuse to experience peace or joy (the fruit of the Spirit) while you are suffering.”

To be clear, empathy is not the problem. The problem is the belief that we are best representing God by being overwhelmed by suffering. We are to “weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15) and “rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer” (Rom. 12:12). When we can’t, our emotions may be calling the shots more than our faith. Here’s the issue in a nutshell: “When we overidentify with our emotions, we begin to distort our perspective on reality.”[4] So instead of letting pain take over our entire spiritual landscape, we must keep our spiritual footing. Only by keeping the big picture in view can we help our hurting friends.

How Do We Keep Our Spiritual Footing in the Face of Suffering?
Let’s look at Paul’s experience in Romans 9. The Apostle is remarkably open about his deep empathy: he has “great sorrow and unceasing anguish” in his heart. He even wishes that he could exchange places with his Jewish brothers (Rom. 9:3). This is compassion, sympathy, and empathy of the highest order. Other people’s rebellion and rejection of God troubled him immensely. And yet, it did not immobilize him. Paul keeps God’s Word, God’s mercy, and God’s sovereignty firmly in view. By doing so, he is able to maintain his spiritual equilibrium in the flood of anguish he experiences.

God’s Word 
Romans 9:6 says, “But it is not as though the word of God has failed.” Paul is addressing what some people thought to be God’s failure to keep the promises He made to Israel. These people didn’t realize that the children of God are children of the promise, not children of the flesh (physical descendants of Abraham). The point for those struggling with toxic empathy is this: the aching in Paul’s heart did not cause him to minimize or sideline God’s Word. Paul refuses to let his grief claim his soul.[5] He sees God’s glory and purposes as bigger than the pain of sin and suffering, even when those he cares about deeply are the ones hurting.

God’s Mercy 
Paul goes on to talk about a difficult truth in Romans 9:6-12: God chooses not according to works, but because of His sovereign will. Paul proclaims how this truth highlights God’s mercy. In the swirl of empathic emotion, we are tempted to forget that God is merciful and just. Paul seems to shout, “What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God’s part? By no means!” (Rom. 9:14). The paralyzing effect of overwhelming empathy often starts here. Without realizing it, we descend into a fog that insists God isn’t doing a very good job.

We think, “I could run the world better…This suffering is unbearable…It’s all up to me to fix this…It’s my responsibility to make this better NOW…How could a good God let this happen? How can I live in a world where things like this can happen?” We feel ready to cast judgment on the way God is running the world because the suffering overwhelms us. But God is not unjust! The Judge of all the Earth will do what is right (Gen. 18:25). In our turmoil, we forget that pain and suffering serve God’s glorious purposes. We forget that followers of Christ do not get what they deserve. (These are truths you must remember to keep your spiritual footing, not things you proclaim to your hurting friend.)

God’s Sovereignty
In his contemplation of the worst suffering a human can face (an eternity apart from God), Paul clings to God’s sovereignty. The words still shock my sensibilities when I read them: “But who are you, O Man, to answer back to God? Will what is moulded say to its moulder, ‘Why have you made me like this?’ Has the potter no right over the clay?” (Rom. 9:20-21). Acknowledging God’s sovereignty will actually deepen our compassion, not lessen it, while at the same time keeping us focused on God’s perfect purposes. Overwhelming empathy says, “I am overcome by the suffering of others.” Godly empathy says, “I am burdened, and my heart is deeply affected by the trials of others. But God is so powerful that He uses even suffering to accomplish His glorious purposes. I can trust Him—with myself and with those near me.”

Ultimately, the emotions generated by empathy are meant to move us. We must run to the only One strong enough to carry the pain. Isaiah 53:3b calls our Savior “a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief” who “surely bore our griefs and carried our sorrows” (Isa. 53:4). God Himself, in Jesus Christ, took on the pain and punishment we deserve for being rebels to His Kingship. We must cast our burdens (including the burden of our pain for others) onto the Lord Jesus, lest we sink beneath those burdens.

We must also move toward others in their pain. If we don’t know how to handle the deep emotions of empathy, we may distance ourselves from suffering. This is precisely the opposite response that Jesus intends His followers to have. We are to move toward others, not because we are sufficient to remedy their pain, but because we know the Savior can comfort them.

We can rest in the place Paul found his peace—in worship. “Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever” (Rom. 11:33, 36).